Why did I come to a meditation class?

There was just this vague feeling that “something was missing.” I had given up Christianity early, been politically active through socialism, feminism, and had then taken up counselling. From the latter, I started to look at how personal experiences were shaping my reactions, but still something was missing.

A new job gave me regular hours and kept me very busy helping a lot of distressed people. I felt I needed help to keep calm at work. A socialist, feminist friend said that Samatha was an OK way to learn meditation. I came only to learn a technique and also the class was near my house and the teacher was female.

It still surprises me that I stayed, as it was so outside my comfort zone:

The lack of social talk in the group
The long silences
The so-called ‘disciplinarian’! – What was that?!
Buddha images & strange pictures

We were not allowed to use the library for a year – perhaps to avoid the issue of thinking I know something because I have read about it!! Despite this, practising meditation just seemed to fit naturally. There were sudden periods of ‘quiet’ – which I'd never felt before and I found that just using an awareness of one long breath occasionally at work could settle me into a clearer state. For the first time that I could remember, I liked silence, and I noticed that I could be alone without being anxious or wanting to talk to someone. After a week I realised how liberating it was not to read anything and instead to value my own experience – and the teacher helped with this. The first talk was on ‘mindfulness’ and as one of my former students said, ‘it open-eyed me’.

I could see the changes in myself very quickly; I now had a path to follow: to be aware of thoughts and feelings and actions; to notice fixed views; try for the ‘middle way’. I found the space in my mind to try and follow it.

I had also had a view that Buddhists were very passive, not fighting for political change, for equality etc. I think the second huge ‘eye-opener’ was hearing the First Noble Truth I can clearly remember hearing, ‘There is suffering’ – not something to be denied, be angry about, fight against, cry about, but something to understand personally. I was again given guidance. Guidance came during personal consultations with the teacher and helped to clarify and consider an appropriate sense of direction.

I have found the sitting practice to be a calming time for me. The rest of the time I try to cultivate and foster practices on living a loving and compassionate way in society. I still call the sitting practice ‘magic’ as I don’t know how it works.

So I stay, because it works, because I suffer much less, it helps me develop more compassion for others, and because it values the heart not just the head.