Memories and recollections from a meditator - towards understanding

Age 17, reading J.D. Salinger – Franny and Zooey – I came upon a reference to the Jesus Prayer, something which affected me fundamentally. I looked it up and discovered whole descriptions which showed how reciting this prayer or mantra could eventually transform one from the head to the heart area and eventually become part of one’s psyche or body memory.

Age 12-13, having been a Sunday school teacher with the Methodist Church I found I was beginning to fall out of love with it. Then, sitting in church, I realised that in order to find meaning in my life, external rite and ritual alone was not enough: something internal was needed.

Age 16, I remember the smell of joss sticks in my bedroom; a sense of a stream of consciousness and the deep dark night sky. Maybe I was linking in to my time epoch - The Beatles and India, the turn of the 60s to the 70s. But it did feel more fundamental than that.

As a student there was a poster of the Buddha in the student union, I know there was a heart contact. Then coming to practise for the first time I remember the strong feeling for a white Buddha Statue where we met.

From my first meditation week I can remember the teacher's face wondering what kind of mindful walking I was doing – bunny hop? I got lost on my first walk.
During the week I covered up the mirror in the hope that it would do away with pride! Oh dear! What a lot there would always be to learn!
I also remember walking through the woods to a clearing in the middle and seeing some geese flying off.

From where I am sitting now, I can see how there’s always been a strong sense of ‘Church’ coming through my experiences and how this has helped me. I remember a vivid mental image of a cross during the second meditation week that I went on. There has been the thread of Christianity going back through my family on both sides: on one side simple Methodist Church practice; on the other a Victorian relative who was a missionary in Africa. I know this is part of me and learning about Samatha practice involves learning about the Christian in me as well.