As a young child about 3 or 4, sitting on my father's knee, I remember asking him, “Who made God?" My father, being a Liverpudlian, made a joke about it and said, "He came from his grandfather." I asked, “Who made his grandfather?” and he said, "His grandfather!!!” This repetition went on for a long while before I gave up asking. I remember getting a sense of an infinite universe of space and time. The memory of that experience stayed with me.
I had a number of recurring dreams which also stayed with me. These again seemed to be questioning the nature of the universe and my place in it. One was emerging into the world and knowing I had been there before, on reflection that was very like a re-birth experience.
If ever I got upset about anything my dad would say, "you are just a little grain of sand in the whole universe”. I knew he was right. This gave me a sense of the futility of thinking I was the centre of that universe and an insight into the nature of the self!!!
As a teenager I would stay up after my family had gone to bed and sit in front of the dying embers of the coal fire and gaze into it. I had a regular experience of strong physical sensation rising up the channel on the back parallel with the spine. This was very pleasant feeling which then seemed to cause a strange rushing wave of energy and noise in the ears, during which all the senses changed and became very bright and clear. I thought at the time that I had gone to a different level of consciousness, beyond the ordinary senses. Also, that I had done it before.
As I got older I began to experience the sense, usually between waking and sleeping, of the consciousness leaving the body. Again, it would start with the sensation in the ears and then I would experience a rushing out into the stars. This was exhilarating and I moved about by "swimming" and did acrobatics, tumbling over and over!! Wonderful!! I was not taking any drugs by the way!! After these experiences, which later came also in dreams. I was clear-headed and very happy.
I became involved in extreme left wing politics, which took me on a very different path for a long time. It was only when I was in an anarchist feminist self help therapy group (don't laugh!!) that I began to think of alternatives. By then I was in my late thirties! We studied Jung and Carl Rogers and I felt something start to shift. Rogerians were saying that we should regard each other with unconditional positive regard. I knew I could not do that for everyone so, as I had gone as far as one could go on the political spectrum, I knew I had to shift levels if I was to make any progress in living skilfully.
I met people who practiced meditation and joined the Samatha centre when my children were young. Those early years, when the children were growing up were idyllic. The practice gave me a sense of real well-being and practising and studying regularly in the company of good friends, being able to report, not just on the practice, but on aspects of daily life, helped me live as skilfully as I was able at the time.
As my son grew up and became ill, the support from teachers and group members has been second to none. Samatha has been a real lifeline for me without which I think I would have had a mental breakdown. The compassion and kindness shown to me, often from the most unexpected people, has taught me that to be in the company of such wholesome friends, not only helps with the presenting problems but also has enabled me see that I could develop those qualities towards others.
I have really enjoyed the theory sessions over the years which have opened up a myriad of different aspects of the dhamma from Alchemy to Gurdjieff and even an esoteric Cambodian text which I could not have understood through individual study alone.
Doing "group work" is a magical process. Not only does one learn about the work in hand, it enhances the practice and gives insight into one's own experiences. The group creates something very special and the relationship between the group members works on lots of different levels.
Since taking reports myself, I have realised more that something other than the ordinary social exchange is going on. As well as the conversation about the practice and everyday life, which is valid, there is the ability to see what happens within oneself and with the other person. It is, at its best, deeply healing.
I am extremely grateful to all "good friends”, both leading and participating in classes for giving me the opportunity to hopefully become a better person and to develop the practice. I would recommend to anyone to join a class! It is not a quick fix! But it can change your life for the better!!!