Recollection of my first strict practice

The build up to this seemed intense although I really didn’t know what to expect – perhaps because of this, the week seemed a most mysterious enterprise. I decided to hitch-hike there as I had very little money. The day went well and the lifts came easily; the most remarkable one being a driver who was chasing a glider that had taken off from a nearby aerodrome. My chauffeur had been sent to collect the pilot once he had landed, and we needed to search the skies for signs… I take this now as a great metaphor for the week to come; at the time I just found it rather exciting.

I arrived at the lodging house where the course was to take place, hungry, only to find all the others had gone out to eat at a local restaurant. I still had no money so my first evening group meditation was kept awake by pangs from an empty stomach. At this point I had only been meditating for about a year and my legs ached and ached as the practice extended for longer than I was used to. All those around me were very still and I so wanted to move my legs. I struggled with this and the pain became very intense. I managed with immense will to stay still till the end; however the benefit was probably, mostly to my willpower than to my experience in the practice!

The next morning I asked the course organiser what I should do after breakfast, as for some reason, I was unclear. He told me to go to my room and ‘sit’. I didn’t realise that some people used the word for meditation. So I went to my room and sat in my chair waiting for I knew not what. After a few minutes I got bored and sat on a cushion to meditate. Half way through I was surprised by a knock on the door and a whispered voice telling me to go to discuss my meditation with one of the teachers. I did feel a fraud – what had I yet to report? Chasing after gliders, intense pain? What I do remember about the teacher’s room was that it had a fire in it and I recall finding that I was cold – my room had no heating.

I learned a lot about willpower that week. I learned to wake up without an alarm, by just telling myself what time to wake up before I committed myself to sleep. I managed it without fail, but often only by dint of waking every half hour from 3:00am onwards

I learned to cope with menstrual pain without painkillers, about the addictive qualities of practice and the unhelpful power of expectations. By the end I just wanted to carry on and on to try and “get somewhere”. It seemed as though I had just dipped my toe into a world so much larger than my known one and I wanted to stay on and explore this.

That week was a fairly ‘strict’ one. We didn’t talk to one another except when collaborating on producing food and I actually found this a great relief. It meant I could concentrate on trying to be mindful. I found that process rather mysterious though. While walking, I could be mindful of the touch of my feet on the pavements, but how to be aware of around me as well – this felt like dividing myself many times? (Later I found this to be possible – as long as I didn't try too hard!)

There were beautiful walks in the nearby Botanical Gardens – it was early autumn and the leaves were beginning to fall. I enjoyed watching them float in the wind and land to start returning to the soil. I now think of impermanence and cycles of lives, but then I just tried to watch – wordlessly.